Rob’s StorY
All of the plans we had at that moment seemed to be in question.
My darling wife Lesley was diagnosed with bowel cancer in October 2019, had an operation to remove the tumour in November and started chemotherapy treatment in the following January.
For me, the cancer journey as the partner of someone fairly recently diagnosed has so far been one of a very wide range of mixed feelings and emotions. Initially there was shock – Lesley was fit, followed a healthy lifestyle, had a good diet – how could she possibly have bowel cancer? Then there was the shock of life being turned upside down in an instant – all of the plans we had at that moment seemed to be in question, with a tremendous uncertainty over what the future would hold.
The shock was soon surpassed by anger. Anger at the situation we found ourselves in. Anger at the cancer (I ended up writing a couple of very short angry poems directed at the tumour and using words that I would never normally use and definitely couldn’t repeat here!).
An inbuilt instinct of needing to be strong came to the fore. Strong for Lesley, strong for our family and friends, plus a sense of needing to put on a brave face and maintain ‘normality’ (which I’m sure was really an avoidance of accepting that cancer was the new normality). This all became quite stressful at times.
However, I think the main emotion for me by far has been that of guilt. Guilt at why Lesley had cancer and not me – she was far too lovely to have to deal with this illness. Guilt at why we couldn’t share the illness. We were a team and we always shared problems and dealt with things together, but this felt like something I was on the outside of. There was definitely guilt over my occasional selfish thoughts that my life wasn’t the same anymore. Further guilt when again I selfishly wondered why couldn’t it be happening to ‘bad people’ or to people who don’t attempt to stay healthy.
“One thing I have realised is that there is no right or wrong way to deal with cancer being in your life.”
Cancer very much took over our lives. Lesley was understandably continuously researching cancer, thinking about cancer and talking about cancer. It came to the point where it seemed a little like there was a third person in our relationship, almost like Lesley was having an affair. Wherever we were, whatever we were doing, however we were trying to distract ourselves, cancer was always there and it seemed like I was the bit player in this threesome. Of course, even just writing this down immediately makes me feel extremely guilty for even thinking such unsympathetic and selfish thoughts.
We’ve been extremely lucky and the future for Lesley is looking very positive. I know that everyone’s story is different and that everyone will deal with things in different ways. But one thing I have realised is that there is no right or wrong way to deal with your emotions, no right or wrong way to deal with cancer being in your life, no right or wrong way to be a partner and supporter. I guess you can only do what you can do and deal with things in the way that seems right at the time. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and there will always be things that you could have done differently. I could definitely have dealt with announcing Lesley’s initial diagnosis to the family in a slightly less blunt manner, but it felt like the only way to do it at the time.
I have realised that while I wasn’t the person diagnosed with the cancer, the cancer definitely took its toll on me as well. I have come to recognise just how important it is to look after my own wellbeing. Exercise, diet and mental wellbeing have all played their part in helping me to deal with the situation and be able to continue to support Lesley. Talking to and sharing my feelings with others, especially those who have been on a similar path, has also really helped. Bottling up anger, frustration and other negative emotions was not a good way to deal with things…and that’s where I’ve found We Get It to be so helpful and beneficial.